A Vacation

Hi!

I was on vacation in California to a. celebrate Amy's graduation and b. train with Uncle George for the work I'm doing with him. I had a REALLY amazing time. I considered Amy's graduation party to be the sort of "special occasion" that merits a pass when it comes to food, and I tried to eat moderately the rest of the time. I wasn't eating as well as at home, but except for that one night I kept my total calorie count in mind and exercised.

I had a really fun exercise session with Aunt Ruth! Thanks! We went on a beautiful walk/run in which I ran only until my HR reached 180, and then walked until it reached 150. These were pretty quick intervals for me, but on the upside, it didn't inflame my bladder. I really loved being able to run even briefly outside, it felt liberating and exciting. If I had tried that before losing fifty pounds, it would have been intensely difficult. Now I feel like the sky is the limit!

I may have gained a few pounds on this trip, but I am going to still consider myself to have "lost 50 pounds" and banish any ashamed thoughts that come into my head. I need to stop feeling horrible if I have a temporary setback, because I can look at my pattern and see that I have this under control. If I walked away and decided my better health wasn't worth working for - then, that would be something to feel badly about. A temporary uptick in my overall weightloss chart, during an AMAZING and celebratory week with family... I am still very proud of myself. It was nice to get compliments from everyone I saw. Mom says that somewhere between forty pounds and fifty pounds lost, my body changed dramatically and I really look like a new and more beautiful woman. That is nice to hear. I feel confident and different!

 I am going to put up a new chart that focuses on actions rather than results. I want to lose another ten to twenty pounds (depending on how I feel with sixty pounds lost). But, now I have more exercise related goals! I want to do a half marathon with Aunt Ruth and hopefully my Dad at some point this year (Spring 2014 seems reasonable to me), and also train for the AIDS ride. Cousin Judy says that training both of these things will really be good for me instead of bad, because I will work on my leg muscles in a balanced way - not just quads, not just hamstrings. So, this is how my training schedule will be looking for the future (until I need to change it to update it:)

2x per week: run/walk outside for at least an hour (distance will increase as my heart is able to do longer running stretches) Using my HR monitor to make sure I am running as much as is good for me, but that I don't burn out. This will build my endurance and it will be more fun at the same time.

2x per week: The "BodyPump" class at my gym. This class is the one that works all the big muscle groups. Arms, shoulders, glutes, quads... it's a very intense, hour long class. I will look at the gym schedule tomorrow to make sure I will space them out and give my body time to heal.

Wednesdays: "CXWORX" and "RPM" classes. "CXWORKS" is a half hour long class that focuses specifically on core strength. It kicks my ASS, which is why I know I need it once a week. It will improve my posture, which is something I still struggle with. There are a lot of mirror/windows in California, and when I saw myself randomly I noticed I am still slouching, which is bad for my back and also undoes some of the work I put into slimming myself. Right after that there is an amazing bike class with an instructor who I love. She knows that I have bladder issues and may not be able to make it through the entire class every time, but she is very inspirational and my favorite gym instructor.

1x per week - fun-times choice. The last day I don't want to do anything too strenuous, because above is outlined a LOT of exercise. But, I want to go for a walk or something on the sixth day instead of having two total rest days. Moving around helps me feel happier.

So, that's my new goal. Just the goal of weight loss will not sustain me anymore. It's just been going on for too long to seem exciting. Also: I need to track my eating each day and make sure it is clean. I found myself at home craving some of the healthy snacks I eat here, which is a good sign. I ate with everyone else but I did noticed my body felt a little worse. (Curiously, I didn't have full blown pains... I was thinking that Saturday would be a shitty day after my eating free for all on Friday, but I was fine).

Okay. On a more philosophical bend....

I just flew into Baltimore, and exactly one year ago was when I moved in with Derek. The smells and humidity and greenery around me took me right back to that place. It was a very exciting time, but also full of doubts and stress and discomfort over who I was and the body I had. I remember comparing myself to the pretty, thin women at the airport last year - a stupid activity I know, and one I should just get over. I felt that I had been thinner just a few months ago, and feeling that the exciting transition would have been more fully happy if I hadn't packed on the pounds. Part of this was a sobering conversation I had with my parents about my weight right before I graduated. Of course my parents were thrilled and proud that I was graduating - and so was I - but they were concerned about my ability to take care of myself. So was I.

This time I felt both that I had a body I liked now, but also that I should have been nicer to myself at the time. The inside of me was just as good then as it was now. Derek loved me just as much then as he does now, and I should have too. As women we can tie our self-worth into our appearance so much. I have to really commit to doing this for health as least as much as for vanity. I have SAID I was doing that before... but I'm not sure how much I really felt it. While I was jogging with Aunt Ruth and planning our marathon, I felt a shift in my heart - now, I will be training to be an athlete. Aunt Roberta, you felt a similar shift, didn't you? It's an embrace of what the body can do with effort, rather than just what it can look like. I am excited.

One thing I wish I had done better this year is spend my time wisely and implement grown-up habits. I watched too much TV. I didn't do the dishes enough. I didn't create enough art. I let valuable time pass. I learned how to take better care of my body this year in spite of some new health challenges, but I let too much time pass unproductively. Both in terms of work and play, I have more within me than I was putting forth. I need to create more art. I need to put more hours in to my work project with Uncle George and make sure I am doing the best I can. I need to take care of our household, in partnership with Derek, even if the Rennies aren't dropping in to visit.

I need to surround myself with interesting people. In California, I absolutely bursted with excitement at being around so many people I like. I am very social. Now in Maryland, I know I can find people like that... but I have to work for it. I have to seek out friends. It's another grown up habit I have to get used to... in school, making friends was easier because I was in constant contact with bright people my age who shared my interest. I am happy that I am still in contact with my favorite of those friends. I had an amazing day with my best friend Demetria, who has been a rock for me for over a decade now. Still: I need people here to hang with. And then... I want Derek and I to move to California :) There is just so much there for me, and he would surely be able to find work too.

That's my thoughts! Aunt Roberta I will read your new blog post soon, just saw you had one, but I am sleepy now. I will comment on it tomorrow, glad you are posting again.

Love,
Elizabeth