This Long Weekend

Hi!

I had a really lovely long weekend visiting Derek. We mostly just enjoyed each other's company... we read together and walked around and stuff. My eating was very healthy throughout except when I insisted Derek go to the hospital for a big bite that turned his hand swollen and bright red (he's fine). I should have brought food with me to the hospital... it was late so they only had vending machines, and because I was worried about his hand situation I hadn't been able to eat my dinner before leaving. Anyways. Other than that, I cooked beautiful, healthy, high protein and high fibre foods. Flying back to CA tomorrow and NOT eating the cheese crackers they offer ;)

I did some exercise too, mostly walking. I guess I don't have much to write about, just think I should keep checking in every few days.

Actually: I do have something new to report! I am planning a "birthday present" for myself. I have an excel sheet in which I rate my eating and exercise on a 0-5 scale and my productivity on a 0-10 scale, total the score (15+is good), score my mood 0-5 and energy level 0-5, and take notes. I have this every day from today (September 3) through November 3 (the day before my birthday). It will be my present to myself to focus on eating and working out well, and making the most of my days. If I like this system I'll upgrade it for Thanksgiving, New Years, and other milestones. I don't have a lb goal for my birthday - partly because it would be sad to not get there - but my goal is to use my excel sheet every day.

Gonna post this picture of a new dress here... I feel great in it! It's from the 1960s.

Hello, blog!

Hi!

So, I am here, returning to my humble blog. I am very inspired by you guys doing a tri!! That sounds fun! I am signed up for a ten K on September 22.

I live here in Lafayette with my folks now. I did take into consideration the advice from friends and family about the dangers of this, but so far it is going well. I am looking for work and selling a small book I made at a store in San Francisco.

I am down to 150-151 pounds (changes day to day for the past week!) I have a goal of getting to 140 - which is not to copy Aunt Roberta, but I want to take 1/3 of my weight off (210 to 140). To that end, I have been doing some cardio work every single day since mid July (and regularly before that) - either walking about 5-8 miles or running 3-5. (OK so twice I couldn't go because I had an abominable stomach ache all day - other than that, I went EVERY day). This has been fun and helped me deal with certain stresses - a close friend being very sick, looking for work, being apart from Derek, etc. The time to myself in the great, beautiful outdoors and the endorphins that come with it are important to me. However I think I need to challenge myself by working to beat my times and re-up my weight training routine.

I have generally been eating well. My friend and health coach Stasha Washburn is challenging all her friends/clients to eat only whole, healthy foods for the month of September. So, I'm gearing up towards that! In general I'd say I have been eating very well here. Dad is doing GREAT! at losing the weight he wants to lose, and part of what I'm doing is preparing food we can both eat. Tonight I am going to make a strawberry and spinach salad with leftover chicken breast :) There have been a few days where I went off-base food wise ... however, I have been consistently losing weight still. Heck I have lost about 60 lbs! And feeling great.

I need to manage my time in a more structured way. I have a lot of goals flying around and I need to structure my days. I know this, but I have trouble actually sticking to the plans I make for myself. So, now I need to do that for reals. I am also visiting Derek in MD from the 30th to the 4th (he has some time off for Labor Day).

... that about sums it up. I will update regularly!

Confessions Time

Hi all,

So... I have been pretty much stalled out for the past several days, and not making great choices. It started mid week when my toe became painful, and obvious signs of infection occurred around it... pus, throbbing, etc. I was able to get into the doctor on Friday who declared it was a long, infected ingrown nail and performed a minor surgery to take it out right away. The numbing needles to the toe were extremely painful and in spite of the assurances that I would feel no pain when the numbness wore off, I am actually still feeling pain. Friday night and the weekend it was much worse: when Derek took me to get my antibiotics prescription he had to carry me on his back. (He then got me crutches). Anyways, I missed the 5K i was supposed to do this weekend. I haven't exercised since last Thursday :(

It would have been one thing if I had been making great food choices while that all happened... but unfortunately, no. After getting the ingrown nail removed but before Derek picked me up, I dropped a quarter in the candy machine because I thought I deserved a "treat". The sugar rush that ensued and the feeling of entitlement that this enforced in my brain - as if because I was in pain, I "deserved" unhealthy food - set off a few days of very poor eating choices. I didn't want to get up and cook because my foot hurt, and we were out of produce and didn't want to go shopping either on crutches. So I mostly ordered in and ate Derek's convenience snacks that I usually avoid.

Now I am obviously feeling sick and guilty. According to the scale this morning I am still in the high 150s, where I have been for a month or so... but, I still know this was the wrong decision for my body.

Well, well. I would say "we all slip up sometimes", but I also had a few days of excess surrounding Amy's graduation. That was only about a month ago. Clearly I need better boundaries for myself about when it is "okay" to go off the rails. I think that now that i have lost over fifty pounds, I also lost some of the edge that kept me on track in earlier months.

New plan? I am thinking that I will do what I did in previous diets, which worked then... I will establish one night out of the week when it is okay for me to eat a treat. (Not something I'm allergic too... just something I normally wouldn't consider part of my new eating plans). This will not be an all-night-feast ... rather, it will be one special dinner or special desert. That way if I am absolutely craving something I won't have to choose between having it now and having it never... or choose between sticking with my healthy habits or saying "Screw it!". If I get to that day out of the week (I think Friday or Saturday is a good time) and find that I don't want the cheat meal - that's great! It'll just be a valve for these temptations which have crept up on me twice recently.

Also looking forward to getting back into exercise! I think if I had been able to work out this weekend, the bad eating would probably not have happened. Running the 5K had been a goal that I was looking forward to and wich had helped me stay in line... when I realized I wouldn't be able to I let everything slide. Seems like I need to re-instate a physical goal to look forward to. Still, I won't be running on this toe until I'm sure it's safe to do so - I don't want to turn this into more of an injury than it already is.

I know that you witnessed a very tragic crash this weekend. I'm so sorry you had to see that on what was supposed to be a celebratory day... I hope there was some fun and meaning in the rest of the time the Beier siblings spent together.

that's old folks! I feel better now that I have 'fessed up.

Elizabeth

6/12/13

Hi!

Running and stuff is going well. Today after my hour of strength training class I was feeling pumped so I hopped on a treadmill. I set it to an easy run to see how far I could go. I was able to run a mile pretty easily and was able to push it to a mile and a half. That was exciting! I walked the mile uphill back home with no problem either. I felt very powerful during this uber-workout.

(however afterward my bladder was very angry at me. I had to take ibuprofen to make it calm down).

I know exercise is supposed to help me focus, but after this intense workout, I found it very hard to concentrate today. I felt very stimulated and wanted to go online and look at things and buy things. It was hard for me to concentrate on working and sticking to the schedule I set up for myself. Do you have any tips for how to calm down after a workout? I was feeling kind of manic to tell the truth.

Elizabeth

6/9/13: My first 5K and Other Epic Plans

Hi All!

I am really enjoying getting into running. Yesterday I was able to run about 3/4 of the three mile track I found for myself around the neighborhood. I even ran up some hills and did some speed work in there! My heart is definitely getting stronger fast because I can run for longer stretches and my HR goes down faster now.

So... I registered for my first 5K race! It's on June 23 and it benefits cancer research (gynecological cancers specifically). Some people will be running, some walking, I will be doing some of both. I just want to see how it feels to participate in an athletic event again.

I am continuing to eat healthy foods. Now that I have cut wheat out of my diet for a few months (except for when celebrating Amy's graduation... I did partake in some bread and cake there...) I feel that I crave food, in general, less. It took a while for that side benefit to kick into gear for me... but now it's here! I actually have to remind myself when it's time to eat. (Or am reminded by my growly tummy). This is a huge shift from when I looked forward to eating and planned my eating adventures every moment that I wasn't stuffing my face (ala last year).

My torso is looking particularly trim and slim these days. I have found some clothes that look really flattering on me and I feel great! Derek says I look like Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer now, and although this is clearly untrue, I was flattered.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj6IzYP9oVP4OzkJOHujNnZ-loJgMoSOuL2Rii9-mlHIuIRDu0uxUNVIG1AGcQ2zG83ZuodoyA3X1u1gn1NrqbUau7JDcWdyc5Oi9rV5_Um2G6567VHXdtC2CVi8_2LPBp1yweFjVDw4_6/s1600/Faye_dushku01.jpg

I have some plans that I'd like to discuss here. I think I may have mentioned before that I wanted to move to California in November - and spend the intervening time working for Uncle George, learning web design, and saving my money. I have been living here with Derek for a year and there are a few good reasons to move to CA:
1. I love my family and friends there
2. there will be far more opportunities for the kind of career path I want to have
3. I love CA as a physical place, and it's the main place I can envision buying a home and taking root.

Thing is... Derek really doesn't want to move to California this year. He is in a great position at his work right now and he likes being close to his siblings. He says he might be able to move to CA in a few years, but not right now.

I pondered this and tried to figure out a way we could stay in the same city. I considered maybe moving closer to the Washington DC area - there would be more opportunities for me that way. We went to Silver Spring, MD today - someplace where I could commute to DC easily, but he could keep his job. Neither of us liked it there. And the drive turned out to be longer than it said on Google Maps. On the way home we decided together that the best thing for him was to stay where he is now - but for me to move to CA. We definitely want to stay together, but date long distance. When I really, fully realized that that was what was best into us, I cried very hard. I have been feeling like our relationship is headed towards marriage, but then I was planning moving to CA - which seemed to be pulling a 180 on that plan.

Now I realize this: I think this time apart may strengthen our relationship. We have dated long distance before and I know where the hard parts come up with that. However I believe if we are going to consider marriage, it will be best to do so when we are both financially independent of each other and our stuff isn't intermingled. We will be able to make a more objective decision. We also have some other choices to make about our lives before making a permanent commitment - where to live, whether and when to have children, how much we value travel, whether or not he decides to be religious, and others. By pursuing our lives more independently, we may be able to get a better sense of where we stand on those issues - where our boundaries really are. We will still communicate every day and hopefully use the time when we live apart to clear those hurtles one by one. Then we will reunite in a few years, hopefully forever. That is my new romantic vision. I understand that I am twenty three years old and I am not guaranteed this happy ending. But I know that Derek and I love each other very much. He understands and agrees that CA is where my opportunities shine brightest right now and wants me to go there and be happy.

I feel like since I originally decided I wanted to move to CA in November and thus needed to prepare, I have been more productive all around. I exercise more, work more hours for Uncle George, and have picked up web design studies. I feel a drive when I wake up in the morning and excitement about the future. So I know it's the right thing. Derek's very kind and encouraging response to my suggestion that we live long distance, so that I can grow in my own goals, confirms that he is the wonderful man that I know he is.

5k track identified

Hi all,

I have gone onto google maps and figured out a run that I could do near my house that is the length of a 5k. I had a really great time running yesterday! I am going to go out for another run right now. I will practice this 5K distance over and over again until I master it and can run most or all of the way. Then I will enroll in a 5K race to see how that feels. Don't really care about my time - just want to experience a race.

Things are going well for me. I would be doing better if I was sticking more closely to the time tables I set up for myself. However today is a new day. I will do all the work I am supposed to do today and then go to sleep so I can wake up and get an early start on tomorrow's work. Since I made this time sheet for myself last week I have been more productive than in previous weeks.

Elizabeth

6/4/13

Hi!

Haven't posted in a little while. I have been exercising almost every day and eating very healthy food.

I am slightly concerned that my running goals may be hitting a roadblock already. As anticipated, on the days that I run I have more interstitial cystitis problems. Feels like a nasty urinary tract infection. No fun. However I have had these flares on and off since October (actually earliest ones in May) 2012, so it's too early to know conclusively whether running significantly aggravates the situation. I've been going for a run/walk a few days per week and also doing strength training all over and working on the elliptical during rainy days. Overall I'm feeling pretty great!

Work has been pretty exciting the last few days, especially coupled with my new goal of learning web design.

I'm going to head down to the gym now and get some measurements taken of my body fat percentage (I know it's not exact, but I only get it done once every three months or so so it probably represents a real trend). Also my other measurements. I follow Tosca Reno's eat clean diet site and they are having a three month makeover competition with some great prizes. I really doubt that I will win because I have already lost so much weight, things are going more slowly now... but, it can't hurt to participate. Seems like fun. Then I'm going to go for a walk/run for a while longer.

When I am running or walking and see my shadow, or in the gym when I happen to see my reflection while doing weights, I realize that I do look like a stronger individual than I have been in a long time. This feels pretty good.

Running is difficult! I am choosing to do it because I know it is sometimes fun and it will get better as time goes on. Still it's tough right now. I'm at the point where I have to run longer to get to that 180 mark where I am allowed to walk again, but it still feels just as difficult. I know I can take walk breaks but I want to increase my strength so I can really mostly run for a few miles. That would be great.

Elizabeth

5/28/13

Hi!

Things are going well. I've been on a run/walk yesterday and the day before that - and on Saturday I went for a walk. Yesterday's run/walk was very uncomfortable and my bladder got really mad at me... thinking I need to space them out some more. It is so exciting to get some runs in, but if I try it too many days per week I may not be able to continue. So, today will be a much needed rest-day. Tomorrow I will go to two classes at the gym (the half hour core class and the spin class after it)... that's my most intense day, so it will be good to be rested.

I have new plans for my life in general! I want to move to California to look for jobs there in November. (Derek will come too when I get a job, so he can look for a job.) Until then - I am going to bootcamp myself into understanding web design. I will be making a new blog about what i learned each day, and my goal is to have a simple but functioning website of my own by my birthday (Nov 4). My website will probably be about what I learned from losing fifty pounds (will probably be more by then :) ) And include a blog, links to other websites, a recipe page, nutrition and exercise facts... I don't have it all planned out yet, but that's where it's going. Oh! And info-graphics of course. I need to make more of those anyways to show employers.

I am pretty excited... one two three GO!
Elizabeth

5/23/13

Hi!

My exercise plan is going well. I went to the "Body Pump" class today and lifted some pretty heavy weights. Still kept it at my own pace, somewhat slower than the rest of the class, because I don't want to hurt myself or have bad form. I also lift less weight than the other classmates, who seem to be long-term devotees. Even fifty pounds thinner I am still the heaviest or second heaviest in the class. Oh well - obviously the class is working for them! I actually talked to the teacher of the class, who is very muscular and lithe, and she said she herself used to be obese. Anyways, even though the class is very hard and I sometimes feel in over my head, I know I can just adjust the instructions to my own abilities. It's pretty fun.

Yesterday I went for a run-walk around my neighborhood which was about 2.2 miles long. (I thought it was longer! I found a 4 mile long route today to try tomorrow. That's better.) I found again that I was walking most of the time because of the 150-180 limits I set for myself. I was considering adjusting it up to 155-185, or 155-180, or 160-180... but, I won't tamper with it for a while. I am also going to see if I can get my heartrate up to the 180 level and sustain it at a trot... instead of just slowing all the way back down. If I can't, no biggie. I wish I could run more and faster but I will be consistent and build it. I actually think this street is hillier than the place we went in California, so that effects it too. Sometimes my HR gets up to the high 170s just walking up hill.

I also made my lean tuna casserole for dinner yesterday and there is still leftover. I LOVE that dish! It has a lot of protein too. It is: My light(er) white sauce (almond milk, olive oil, nutritional yeast, a dash of salt, pepper, and nutritional yeast), a bunch of chopped veggies (bell peppers, tuna, mushrooms, onion, garlic, spinach), quinoa-based pasta, and quite a bit of tuna. I throw some chia seeds on top as a garnish. I have to watch the portion size on it because the sauce is still high in fat because of the oil and milk, but it looks and tastes decadent and reminds me of my mom's tuna casserole... favorite dish from my youth.

I am also REALLY digging hummus in general and craving it a lot. Maybe I need more magnesium or something else in it. Now that I have read "Born to Run", which I really enjoyed, I have been putting chia seeds in everything. (Except water... have you tried the chia fresca? I think I might have trouble with the texture and I'm afraid of swallowing down the wrong throat and choking). So, I put nutritional yeast and chia seeds in my hummus and eat it with veggies and apples.

Another superfood I am a huge fan of is blueberries. I put them in my oatmeal and just generally eat them throughout the day. Super fun. Learning which healthy foods I love and crave is an important step to lifelong health.

Hope you are doing well, readers!

Elizabeth

A Vacation

Hi!

I was on vacation in California to a. celebrate Amy's graduation and b. train with Uncle George for the work I'm doing with him. I had a REALLY amazing time. I considered Amy's graduation party to be the sort of "special occasion" that merits a pass when it comes to food, and I tried to eat moderately the rest of the time. I wasn't eating as well as at home, but except for that one night I kept my total calorie count in mind and exercised.

I had a really fun exercise session with Aunt Ruth! Thanks! We went on a beautiful walk/run in which I ran only until my HR reached 180, and then walked until it reached 150. These were pretty quick intervals for me, but on the upside, it didn't inflame my bladder. I really loved being able to run even briefly outside, it felt liberating and exciting. If I had tried that before losing fifty pounds, it would have been intensely difficult. Now I feel like the sky is the limit!

I may have gained a few pounds on this trip, but I am going to still consider myself to have "lost 50 pounds" and banish any ashamed thoughts that come into my head. I need to stop feeling horrible if I have a temporary setback, because I can look at my pattern and see that I have this under control. If I walked away and decided my better health wasn't worth working for - then, that would be something to feel badly about. A temporary uptick in my overall weightloss chart, during an AMAZING and celebratory week with family... I am still very proud of myself. It was nice to get compliments from everyone I saw. Mom says that somewhere between forty pounds and fifty pounds lost, my body changed dramatically and I really look like a new and more beautiful woman. That is nice to hear. I feel confident and different!

 I am going to put up a new chart that focuses on actions rather than results. I want to lose another ten to twenty pounds (depending on how I feel with sixty pounds lost). But, now I have more exercise related goals! I want to do a half marathon with Aunt Ruth and hopefully my Dad at some point this year (Spring 2014 seems reasonable to me), and also train for the AIDS ride. Cousin Judy says that training both of these things will really be good for me instead of bad, because I will work on my leg muscles in a balanced way - not just quads, not just hamstrings. So, this is how my training schedule will be looking for the future (until I need to change it to update it:)

2x per week: run/walk outside for at least an hour (distance will increase as my heart is able to do longer running stretches) Using my HR monitor to make sure I am running as much as is good for me, but that I don't burn out. This will build my endurance and it will be more fun at the same time.

2x per week: The "BodyPump" class at my gym. This class is the one that works all the big muscle groups. Arms, shoulders, glutes, quads... it's a very intense, hour long class. I will look at the gym schedule tomorrow to make sure I will space them out and give my body time to heal.

Wednesdays: "CXWORX" and "RPM" classes. "CXWORKS" is a half hour long class that focuses specifically on core strength. It kicks my ASS, which is why I know I need it once a week. It will improve my posture, which is something I still struggle with. There are a lot of mirror/windows in California, and when I saw myself randomly I noticed I am still slouching, which is bad for my back and also undoes some of the work I put into slimming myself. Right after that there is an amazing bike class with an instructor who I love. She knows that I have bladder issues and may not be able to make it through the entire class every time, but she is very inspirational and my favorite gym instructor.

1x per week - fun-times choice. The last day I don't want to do anything too strenuous, because above is outlined a LOT of exercise. But, I want to go for a walk or something on the sixth day instead of having two total rest days. Moving around helps me feel happier.

So, that's my new goal. Just the goal of weight loss will not sustain me anymore. It's just been going on for too long to seem exciting. Also: I need to track my eating each day and make sure it is clean. I found myself at home craving some of the healthy snacks I eat here, which is a good sign. I ate with everyone else but I did noticed my body felt a little worse. (Curiously, I didn't have full blown pains... I was thinking that Saturday would be a shitty day after my eating free for all on Friday, but I was fine).

Okay. On a more philosophical bend....

I just flew into Baltimore, and exactly one year ago was when I moved in with Derek. The smells and humidity and greenery around me took me right back to that place. It was a very exciting time, but also full of doubts and stress and discomfort over who I was and the body I had. I remember comparing myself to the pretty, thin women at the airport last year - a stupid activity I know, and one I should just get over. I felt that I had been thinner just a few months ago, and feeling that the exciting transition would have been more fully happy if I hadn't packed on the pounds. Part of this was a sobering conversation I had with my parents about my weight right before I graduated. Of course my parents were thrilled and proud that I was graduating - and so was I - but they were concerned about my ability to take care of myself. So was I.

This time I felt both that I had a body I liked now, but also that I should have been nicer to myself at the time. The inside of me was just as good then as it was now. Derek loved me just as much then as he does now, and I should have too. As women we can tie our self-worth into our appearance so much. I have to really commit to doing this for health as least as much as for vanity. I have SAID I was doing that before... but I'm not sure how much I really felt it. While I was jogging with Aunt Ruth and planning our marathon, I felt a shift in my heart - now, I will be training to be an athlete. Aunt Roberta, you felt a similar shift, didn't you? It's an embrace of what the body can do with effort, rather than just what it can look like. I am excited.

One thing I wish I had done better this year is spend my time wisely and implement grown-up habits. I watched too much TV. I didn't do the dishes enough. I didn't create enough art. I let valuable time pass. I learned how to take better care of my body this year in spite of some new health challenges, but I let too much time pass unproductively. Both in terms of work and play, I have more within me than I was putting forth. I need to create more art. I need to put more hours in to my work project with Uncle George and make sure I am doing the best I can. I need to take care of our household, in partnership with Derek, even if the Rennies aren't dropping in to visit.

I need to surround myself with interesting people. In California, I absolutely bursted with excitement at being around so many people I like. I am very social. Now in Maryland, I know I can find people like that... but I have to work for it. I have to seek out friends. It's another grown up habit I have to get used to... in school, making friends was easier because I was in constant contact with bright people my age who shared my interest. I am happy that I am still in contact with my favorite of those friends. I had an amazing day with my best friend Demetria, who has been a rock for me for over a decade now. Still: I need people here to hang with. And then... I want Derek and I to move to California :) There is just so much there for me, and he would surely be able to find work too.

That's my thoughts! Aunt Roberta I will read your new blog post soon, just saw you had one, but I am sleepy now. I will comment on it tomorrow, glad you are posting again.

Love,
Elizabeth

Doing Fine...

Hi all!

I'm doing well... things are pretty much the same. I am eating spinach every day, so that helps. I also still really enjoy bell peppers. Anyhoo... going to California in a few days :D Just wanted to check in and say I am fine

Elizabeth

Fifty Pounds Lost! YAAAAAY

horrrayyyyyy!!!! ding ding ding ding!

I have such a feeling of happiness and accomplishment. Fifty pounds! An overweight suitcase load of pounds, checked off of my body never to be picked up. I can't even lift a fifty pound barbell, yet that is how much is gone from my body. I am such a happy jumping bean :)

Perhaps even more excitingly: I will be a healthy body weight according to the BMI in just one or two more pounds! Knowing that that's about a week away is sooooooo great! Now when I hear the statistic about how 2/3 of Americans are overweight or obese, I will be in the 1/3 and setting an example. Because, I was definitively in the "obese" category when I started... and then went alllllllll the way through the "overweight" category and will now be exiting that one too. And I just feel great.

I remember all the trials and struggles along the way... I am so glad I started, that must have been the hardest part. I was so sad and felt so out of control. I remember that the turning point was when I was taking an AMTRAC train to Derek's family's house to meet his paternal grandparents, and I realized I did not want to because I was 210 pounds (althoguh I didn't know that). Barely any of my clothes fit. My hair had long roots that I couldn't afford to fix because I had no income. My skin was greasy and full of zits. And then I arrived at the Rennie's household where everyone is fit and muscular and beautiful, and I just felt inadequate.. especially because Derek's grandpa's sense of humor entailed making fat jokes about me consistently. None of this SHOULD have crushed me... I know I deserve to be Derek's girlfriend based on my personality and our love connection... but, I was very miserable.

Now I feel just great! Even though my body isn't "perfect"... I feel that it's pretty damn good! And I am able to do so many more things than I could before, even though I now have debilitating pains some of the time. I am now in the "butterfly" stage of my transformation and very happy. When I meet people I feel pretty, which for better or for worse, makes a big difference.

The foods I crave now are sooooo different... right now, at this very moment, I crave hummus and garlic. No problem with that! I no longer crave cream cheese or dairy in general. If there was a box of Oreos in the house... I think I would have an okay time not eating them as long as I couldn't smell them. And believe me... that's a huge improvement from where I was before!

I am just so proud that I kept going and didn't give up along the way. I have been on this health-quest for almost a year now, since I started in July. That's longer than any "diet" I have ever been on, and I am so pleased because this is NOT a "diet"... it's a way of life!

those are my reflections so far... there might be more later...

5/9/13

Hi!

Well, things are good in some ways and could be better in others. I am still experiencing abdominal pain, and I didn't have any soy sauce... allergic to soy... so I don't know if there was secret wheat in the Chinese food. I think it is likely a time of the month issue. Yesterday as I was chopping a banana I experienced such a sudden and severe cramp that I dropped my knife and it sliced my ankle. Luckily it was just a butter knife and didn't make a very big cut... I cleaned it and stuff and it should be gone in a few days. Good thing I wasn't using a bigger knife! I had Derek make dinner that night.

Anyways, I think it's best for me to not be lifting heavy weights at this tricky times of the month. I took a walk for my exercise most days this week and today did some arm exercises with weights at home. I wish I was able to do more, but I need to avoid an injury.

Eating is going well. Enjoying learning new recipes from online... that's always fun. Hope you are doing well!

Elizaebth

Hi again!

Hi there!

Sorry I have been out for a few days. I am not in trouble per se... although I have been having terrible stomach pain today and yesterday and have been under the covers. I am still 100% wheat free so I think the change is a week-before-period thing again... drat that...

I have been exercising most days, although recently I have been taking long walks. I use my heart rate monitor to make sure I stay within 65-85% of my maximum HR, and that I burn 550-850 calories. I really enjoy exercising outside. I wish I could jog and run too, but every time I have tried recently I have inflamed my bladder and been in pain. Maybe if I got some excellent shock-absorbant shoes it would help? Not sure.

I am still learning about new things to eat. I still LOVE my blueberry-banana frozen "icecream"treat. Now for a candy sub, I freeze juicy grapes... when they are frozen I just suck on them and they are like a grape popsicle :) Also I made a delicious "tuna casserole" wherein the pasta was made of rice and instead of a regular, calorie-explosive sauce, I made a lighter sauce based in almond milk. VERY delicious. Derek loved it too! I may try the same sauce again with a shrimp dish tonight if I am feeling better enough to cook a nice shrimp dish.

There were a few days back when I was tired of cooking and CRAVING chinese food, so I ordered the healthiest things I could think of: eggdrop soup and veggie-shrimp without any sauce. Derek got General Tsao's chicken which, when I tried it, was delicious - but, not for me. Unfortunately even that forray into Chinese delivery was bad for my system - I broke out into zits and retained so much water I appeared to gain three pounds. I was frustrated. The pounds are gone now and I am once again very close to having lost fifty pounds, which I really want... So, I am currently on a clean food cleanser. I am not going to eat anything I didn't prepare, at all, from a few days ago until I come to CA (on the 15th). Also I am going to hold off weighing myself until then because the suspense is killing me! I always get so close to that mini-goal only to bloat back up.

Speaking of CA: I will be coming to celebrate Amy's graduation! I am so happy for her! Way to go Amy!

Elizabeth

Learning a Lesson

Hi!

First of all Aunt Roberta, thank you very much for the advice about protein powder. I skipped getting it. I eat a lot of egg, shrimp, quinoa (found a brand I like), and spinach. I also a moderate some salmon, nuts, and the cheeses that I'm not allergic to. Between these things I will be okay.

So, I had to withdraw myself from the gym competition today. The problem wasn't the exercise classes, which I really enjoyed and will probably keep going to. Rather, the problem was my partner. She seemed so nice when I first met her: she complimented my weight loss and we discussed how we used the gym machines. When we became teammates, she said she lived near me and offered to drive me to and from the classes. She is a fort ysix year old Chinese woman and there was a language barrier, but she seemed warm and friendly. I was happy to have made a friend, something I need to do more of.

 However as a part of a team, she was EXTREMELY over-competitive. She pushed me and tried to manipulate me into doing far more hours of weight lifting than is okay for me, day after day. When I said I needed to take a rest day once a week she said we "couldn't afford" it. She crossed the final line when she yelled at me for speaking to a member of another team who we shared a class with. She accused me fo sharing secrets "with the enemy". The same day she proposed that she supervise my grocery shopping to make sure I had enough energy to "keep up" my end of the team. I was very taken aback by her dark competitive side, and at first I thought it might be a language barrier issue. However I decided yesterday that it doesn't matter why she acts this way, I cannot keep putting up with it through June.

Mom suggested that I talk to her at the gym in the presence of a third party who WORKED at the gym. I took that advice. The gym staffperson even said she could continue in the competition if she met another partner. When I explained the situation to the staff person, we were both feeling nervous and anticipated a huge blow up - she had come close to yelling at me for such minor things before. But the minute she saw me at the gym in my normal clothes, she knew what I was going to say. The conversation went much better than I had thought. Instead of yelling at me, she thanked me for working as hard as I did and we both acknowledged that we weren't compatible partners. She then went to the front desk to see if she could find a new partner, and I left to take a well-earned rest day.

I feel so much better now. During the five days when we had been partners and it wasn't going as I thought, I was bloated, 3 pounds heavier, constipated, and both fatigued and unable to sleep. I was also grouchy. Now that I am through and everything has gone back to normal - including the weight - I realize how bad it really was. I have made similar mistakes before in choosing who to spend time with. I seem to be drawn to people who are at least a little bit crazy or unusual... people who are too normal bore me. But I draw the line at manipulation and unreasonable demands from someone I barely know. Next time I will cut that situation off earlier.

Although it was my rest day, I did a bit of walking around outside. I walked to and from the gym which is about .8 miles away, and when I got back, there was a strikingly large bird in a tree by my house. The squirrels in the tree were yowling at it in a way I didn't know squirrels could yowl. I followed it from tree to rooftop to tree, observing it and taking pictures for over an hour. Dad says from the photos it was probably a peregrine falcon. It was very beautiful and majestic, especially when it flew around, and it was interesting to see how the other animals reacted (mainly with fear and loathing). This happy, meditative time outside was just what I needed today.

One good thing about trying the competition is that I got to experience many classes, and got to know some of the instructors. I think the weightlifting class called "Body Pump" is probably the most effective way for me to build strength in my arms, chest, glutes, and other major muscle groups. It is an hour long class using a barbell, freeweights, and disc weigths - it's easy to choose which weights are most appropriate. For the exercises where I am not clear on form, the instructors are happy to tell me after class for free. There is also a half hour long class that focuses on core strength, and although that one KILLS me and makes me very sore, I think it would be a good idea for me to go. So, I will make sure to take both of those classes at least once per week. The biking class really gets my heart rate up, so it's probably a good idea to take that sometimes too - I was surprised to find it didn't hurt my bladder. There is also a yoga/pilates class called "Body Flow" that emphasizes both strength and balance. Between those, longer walks outside, and some time on the elliptical, I have a diverse and exciting exercise plan for the next while. I am rested from today and ready to move on in search of better health!

4/27 CheckIN

Hi!

I haven't written in a while. This week, my gym started a competition that goes until June 1 and is called "Mission 42". The object of the contest is to form a team with one partner, and sign in for the most classes to earn points. The classes go with my gym membership. I have a parnter named Chen so I have been going to lots of classes and trying different things. I even have been using a barbell for squats and deadlifts. The core work is still the hardest for me.

Meanwhile, I have continued to eat very well. However, I am taking in more calories since I am monitoring how many I expend at the gym classes... and it's a lot! I'm trying to net about the same. Yet, my weight is doing funny things that I'm not crazy about... according to my lovely scale, I have gained three pounds or so since Wednesday. However, I think it may be because I am very constipated... and, I have remedies at home for that. So, I took my remedies today.

For an intense few weeks of gym classes, do you think there are any changes I need to make? More protein? Do you drink the protein shakes that are available at sports stores? I know I have to drink more water... I am doing that!

that's mostly it folks... Hope you are having a great weekend!

Elizabeth

4/22/13

Hi all,

First of all: I have taken Aunt Roberta's advice and not had a sip of the rum in the fridge. Only drinking water and the fresh veggie juices I make. So, that's a small win for me.

My weight has been at about 163.6 for a few days... lower than it's been in a long time.

Yesterday, and the day before, I went on a 1.5 hour long walk. I chose that form of exercise because my arms and core were still sore from my workout on Friday, and because it was really beautiful outside. I am learning more about the paths and roads around my apartment. I wear the HR monitor at all times to make sure my walk is fast enough. Going uphill really makes a difference! Sometimes if I really feel like it I jog on the downhills to prevent my HR from going too low. But, I really must be careful about that because too much impact causes tears in my bladder lining. Which leads to burning pains and the need to pee every time I drink a sip of water...

There's a competition in my gym to see who can go to the most classes in the next 42 days. Because I am a gym member, these classes are free to me. So, I will partake in the challenge! I think I stand a great chance to win because I work from home and have a flexible schedule. Today I was thinking about trying a bike class to see if my bladder can handle a normal bike now that I am doing better, or not.

That's all for now folks...

Elizabeth

4/20/13

Hi!

First of all.. very glad that the terrorist was caught! My friend Anna was in the lock-down area waiting for the police to come search her house. I am so glad she doesn't have to stay there all weekend.

Now then :) I had my second session with Josh yesterday, in which we did interval training on the rowing machine, abdominal and leg training, and finally pullups on the weighted machine. I was able to do twice as many weighted pullups today! (The weights HELP me get my chin up... I am yet to be able to do a real pullup by myself).

Feeling somewhat sore today. Between my first two sessions, I was really sore the whole time. Looks like this time is milder. I definitely feel that I am learning new things, and wearing my heart rate monitor during the session proved that it gets my HR to the max. And, burns lots of calories!

Going to go grocery shopping today. That's where my diet decisions are mostly made, so I will be careful and thoughtful in my choices. I am going to cook the quinoa that we have before I leave too see if that's a good quinoa. I need to make sure I am still getting complete proteins and greens every day.

I made a beet and carrot and apple juice... I call it "beatlejuice". I am less fond of this juice than my other ideas, even though it is a GORGEOUS blood red color. I will finish it up though, it's healthy! I ate the pulp with a rice pasta. I really like brown rice pasta, the brand I found has a good firm texture.

I am also drinking almond milk instead of cows milk. It has more calcium and it's DELICIOUS! I usually try to avoid animal dairy except for limited cheddar or parm cheese. Meanwhile I also cannot eat soy, so almond substitutes are the best for me. Sometimes I also use almond cheese, but it doesn't taste nearly as good and is more expensive. Meanwhile, low-fat cheeses don't seem to upset my bowels.

I am experiencing fewer cravings! Derek brought a pack of eight sugar cookies home earlier this week, and I really didn't want to eat any of them. I didn't. Last night he brought home a bottle of rum to drink with other drinks, and that was a little harder to pass up. But, I really shouldn't drink alcohol - it would inflame both my IC and IBS. So, I didn't have that either. I am suspecting that the WHEAT FREE diet is working! I have been 100% wheat free for two weeks and I think that's why I have fewer cravings, and fewer stomach aches.

Whoo hoo!

Elizabeth

4/17/13

Hi,

Just a short update for today because I am sleepy. I was, indeed, extremely sore from yesterday's intense weight training workout. It even hurt my triceps when I flushed the toilet, not to mentioned my quads screaming every time I stood up or sat down. Still, I managed to go for an hour long walk, keeping an eye on my HR moniter to make sure I was between 65 and 80 percent of my max. I also made a delicious "ice cream" out of a frozen banana, honey, organic peanut butter and vanilla extract whizzed together in the blender. So overall, props for today!

Elizabeth

Good News in a Sad Time

Hi,

I have some great news progress-wise, but I also want to acknowledge what happened in Boston. I feel extremely saddened and angry about the fact that such great athletes and their supporters, who should have felt so proud and happy, were instead subject to a terror attack. I also will admit to feeling frightened, because I am an American too and I feel under attack. But, I know that the best way to fight back is to support those I know in Boston and continue my business as usual. Holding my head high. I am glad I have Derek here with me, although he responds to events like this in a very different way than me and doesn't like to talk about them. We had a bit of a scuffle about that yesterday, but after about half an hour of thinking I realized that he did care, he just processes it in a different way. And he undoubtedly cares about me and loves me, and is kind to everyone - that's what's importnat.

Okay... back to my news. Yesterday, I had a three month checkin with my doctor. He is very impressed with my weight loss and strengthening, saying I am a rare patient to take that step. He says my strategy of healing through food, water, vitamins, sleep, and exercise is obviously working, and that I am seeing results similar to those who use drugs. That is great to hear! i really am healing my entire body.

Also: I had my first personal training session this morning with a trainer named Josh. I chose him because he has always been helpful when I needed to know how to do an exercise, even before I had money to pay him to help. He seemed genuinely interested in motivating me and always congratulated me when, after a period, he saw me and I had lost more weight. Also, he has irritable bowel syndrom too, so he understands the difference between healthy exercise soreness and true abdominal distress. He has also recently lost seventy pounds, so he knows about the journey I am going through. Somehow that seems like a bonus... he was not born inherently strong and fit, he earned it just like us!

Anyways, that half hour of exercise may have been the toughest in my life! There were weighted jumping jacks, burpees, tire lifts, tricep tips, weighted squts... and more, one right after the other. My entire body was worked out without once using a machine (I can do those on my own time). He says and I believe that I will be very sore today and tomorrow! I did my very best and was more successful in some exercises than others. I was surprised to find that the arm exercises were the easiest for me, since I have been exercising those muscles regularly. Arms used to be my weakness! The core exercises were the hardest for me.

Oh! I did use one machine at the end. It was the weighted pull up machine. You step onto a bar and pull yourself up, and there is a weight inside the machine which seems to help. I used the interior handles, which are supposed to be a little easier. I was able to do two pullups on the easiest setting, which surprised both me and my trainer. He says that even with the help the machine gives, many of his clients cannot do any pull ups at all at first. I admit that i was sort of terrified of stepping onto the machine because I thought i would fall. I'm sort of afraid of heights, even a foot and a half off the ground. It's an entirely mental thing, but my entire body was shaking. That is definitely something I plan to work on regularly, because he says the machine is ideal to measure my progress.

On the way home from the gym, I felt extremely alert and attuned to my surroundings. I didn't listen to music, but rather listened to the bird chirps and hums of the neighborhood. It is early spring and there was some rain yesterday so everything truly is bright and clear, but it seemed especially so after my exercise. It was definitely a sort of high, feeling peaceful but also extra in tune with the nature around me. I dig it!

Elizabeth

4/12/13

I have an interview this morning! That's exciting!

You're right... I haven't been posting for a few days. Things are basically fine, although I am having flares from my interstitial cystitis problem. Very nasty burning feelings. I called my dr and he said it's probably just a week-before-my-period thing. I wish I didn't have a high chance of an uncomfortable week the week before my period AND the week OF my period... that's half the month! I have an appointment with him on Monday, so that's good.

In case you were wondering weather or not I ate the Cheezits or any other gluten since the cookies this Saturday, the answer is.... NO! No gluten at all. I have, however, eaten some sweets. I will be knocking this off soon... I just miss gluten sooooooo much! I have stopped eating sweets before full stop and been fine with that, I didn't really even have withdrawal. The wheat withdrawal is definitely with me these past week. I feel very tired and drained and moody and grouchy. Better this morning though! I have to snap out of those feelings for my interview.

I think my body is feeling deprived. I hope it ends after I go off the gluten for another week and ween myself off the sweets I compulsively, inexorably bought at the store on Tuesday (and have now thrown away). They were toffees. F***** delicious. But, none of those ingredients were a good idea.

Doing my exercise at home last few days because of the IC pain. When it's flaring, moving around a whole lot makes it worse. This morning it is more mellow so I am hoping to do some more intese exercise today or tomorrow. I do like exercise. I also have to do the laundry this weekend... isn't it funny how much easier it is to get out the door when you have all you options cleanly lined up in a row? This weekend I might also get some new workout attire because my old pants have been threatening to fall down <-- a GOOD problem to have at any rate :D

I have been enjoying my juicer. My first attempt at "pulp crackers" did not work out per se... oh well, I will try again or do something else with it! I want to get the fiber from my veggies, but something about being able to drink down all the nutrients in a whole bag of spinach really appeals to me. It feels like a powerful health shot!

My weight is hovering in the mid 160s, 164/165. Which is... still pretty exciting! My face looks really different than it did before! (Also now I have my natural hair color.)

So... that's something to celebrate.

PS... it occurs to me that we are all starting to look more and more alike, me, Roberta, and Ruth. Now that I'm getting thinner too and have the dark hair/ light eyes combo the Beiers have. That's the way it grows out of my head! My hair is another part of me which is happy to tell me it is WAY healthier now that I am getting my vitamins and protein, and not dying it every few months. :D

4/9/13

I am having such intense gluten cravings!!! There are Cheezitz in the pantry because Derek's family likes them and they were here, and I forgot to ask them to take it with. Derek wants to keep them because he likes them too. I haven't eaten any, which is an accomplishment, but I really want them :( Looking forward to the time when the cravings diminish.

Got some exercise in yesterday... weight training. Time for some more cardio today since my IC flare is over. Not jogging/running though! That really caused discomfort, unfortunately.

That's all I have to say for now... may blog again tonight.

4/6/13- Rennie's visit and Today

Hi,

So the Rennies visited all of yesterday. We had a fun time catching up. Everything I made was GF... except for the cookies. I only ate two small cookies and asked them to take all the leftover ones home... anyways, next time I will try to make a GF treat or no treat at all.

I don't have a stomach ache today, but I do feel intense burning while peeing (one of my IC symptoms) and the feeling is lasting all day even when I am just sitting or lying down. I actually think it is probably because I experimented with some jogging yesterday... Derek's siblings and I went on a trail through the woods and they wanted to jog for part of it, and it looked like so much fun that I wanted to also. My dr. had warned that jogging and running can cause inflamation and then infection with people in my condition. I guess, I thought because I was jogging so slowly for only one minute jogging/two minutes walking, I would be fine. Blah. Either way I got to the state I am now, I want to avoid in the future. It feels awful! Onwards and upwards.

Derek got me a juicer! I made a delicious juice out of celery, apple, cucumber and carrot. I am going to make crackers out of the pulp part tonight. Healthy all around!

Elizabeth

4/5/13

Hi!

Well, I am suddenly expecting company! Derek's mom called early this morning to announce that all five Rennies (parents + 3 siblings) are coming over tomorrow morning. We will be seven in all in a very small apartment.

I got lots of exercise today cleaning the house! It's nice to see it clean. I also bought food for the guests who might not want to adhere to my gluten-free, sugar-free regimen. I also made cookies but I didn't eat one... although I might have had a tiny bit of the dough. I expect they will be gone by the end of the day and, if not, I will give them to the Rennies to keep.

I also cut my hair! I was stressing about needing to clean the whole house in one day, let alone entertaining for the weekend. I had to go to Target to get Windex anyways, so I got my bangs cut and my hair re-dyed to it's natural color. (I did dye it my natural color in November, but it seemed to be fading). I feel pretty and happy!

Still got to work on that self control... at some point I know I should be able to make cookies but NOT have any of the dough. Aunts: do you still make cookies when you are a guest?

I also think tomorrow with all seven of us might be a "special occasion"... not sure... I won't go crazy with the cookies because that would make me sick, but if I eat one it's not the end of the world. The Rennies like to exercise so we will probably go to the park and walk around.

That's all for today!

Elizabeth

4-4-13: A Happy Day!

hi!

I had a very nice cardio session at the gym today, very enjoyable. I am able to use the elliptical with a higher resistance than I used to, actually, twice the resistance. I feel fresh and invigorated. I also talked to the trainer who I am considering working with. He also has irritable bowel syndrome, and I think that will be helpful. I will need someone who will believe me when I say something hurts, not in a positive muscles-getting-stronger-way, but in a intestines-spasming-violently way.

I have been 100% wheat free for four days, and I am feeling better indeed. Less abdominal pain, although I still have some pain from my interstitial cystitis. I don't know yet whether my reduced abdominal pain is REALLY because of the wheat, since the pain goes up and down, but in a few weeks I will know. I am experiencing a lot of cravings and may be eating more sugar than is wise. The past few days since Easter, I ate some small servings of white chocolate sometimes because I cannot have any other kind of chocolate. People on diets are always talking about how chocolate is an okay treat. However, I looked this up online, and it said white chocolate is NOT like other chocolates... it really has no nutritional value whatsoever. Drats!

I think it makes sense, now that I am eliminating wheat, to eliminate even small servings of sugar-based junk foods. I know they are doing nothing for me and do hurt me, even in the small sizes I can easily fit into my daily calories. I am currently experiencing my refreshed feeling from the gym but it is dampened because I have a sore throat from the small piece of white chocolate. I bet I would feel even more amazing if I cut those treats if it wasn't a special occasion, like Roberta.

I am still getting used to thinking of food as feul, not enjoyment. I know if others can do it, I can do it too! I know I am making enormous progress. Hell, before this endeavor I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with cream cheese cravings so strong I would blither into the fridge. I would scoop the full fat cream cheese onto a bread, bagel, tortilla, ANYTHING and eat the whole container of it. I know that's gross, but it is an example of the way I let my cravings control me in the past. I am not perfect yet, nor will I ever be perfect, but I am doing pretty well!

My weight this morning was 164.5. It is so exciting to see that number! I'm pretty sure the lightest I ever got during my high school workouts was about 165. Before that going back to early puberty, and after that until now, I have always been heavier than 165 - culminating in being 210 in July 2012. During my high school diet, the only exercise I was doing was running - no resistance training, no upper body or torso or back muscle. So, as I continue, I will be seeing my body in a way it has never been in my life. I have never been a fit adult. I am only about 6.5 pounds away from being a healthy BMI! that is so exciting and will help propel me to stick with a wheat free diet, and ditch sugar traps as well.

Elizaebth

4/2/13

Hi,

I am still in abdominal pain. Still wheat free... I didn't want to walk to the gym today because of the pain, but I have been doing some at-home exercises throughout the day. I know it is important to exercise regularly!

I really enjoy hummus... tastes great with carrots, and those together make a favorite snack.

Have a great day!

Elizabeth

4/1/13

Okay, so: I am checking in, even though I didn't do great today.

I ate pretty well today, all healthy things. I intended to work through the day and have Derek take me to the gym at night, but now I have severe cramps. I was totally gluten free today and yesterday, and now my cramps are not only in my stomach but also in my left foot. Aunt Roberta: how did you get through the foot cramp? Did it just go away on its own?

I am experiencing a lot of sugar cravings... but, since I didn't have sugary snacks in the house, I was able to not succumb. I am still feeling lethargic. I think I will go to bed early today and then go to the gym EARLY tomorrow, before my aches and pains have time to add up.

Last night, I was experiencing the worst abdominal pain I have had in weeks. I had to take my narcotic meds because it was unbearable. I do tend to feel more lethargic on days after I take Vicodin... that's probably another factor.

Mea culpa...

Elizabeth

LATER SAME NIGHT UPDADE:

Once again, I am in acute pain. Feels like screwdriver twisting under left ribcage. Ow. I thought this might happen as I transition into 100% wheat free life because my body is so sensitive to changes. Hope these symptoms go away soon, and don't crop up while I am on the elliptical or something.

3/31/13: Going Completely Wheat Free

Hi,

After reading Wheat Belly and completing a few weeks of tapering down, I am now going to go wheat free for a month long experiment. If I do feel better this month, I will make it a permanent change. Derek and I went grocery shopping and I have everything I need. I remember that in Wheat Belly certain "gluten free" foods were also bad for us - with starches and tapioca - but, I found tortillas and pasta made from real brown rice. I think this will help me... I read all the ingredients to make sure there was nothing nefarious.

I also got back to the gym, finally, today and yesterday. I took about two weeks off exercise (with the Supreme Court rally and another long walk mixed in, so those were good days). It was mostly because I was feeling very sick, but there was some laziness there too. And then, the cycle of feeling guilty and down from not exercising and feeling less inspired to go. Well, I have good and snapped out of that!

Should be a good few weeks.

Elizabeth

3/22/13 - I weigh WHAT? huh?

Hi!

So, this week. Nasty period to end all periods, seemed to be dehydrated no matter how much H20 I drank. Was totally exhausted partly because of having my period, partly because dialing back my wheat products (but I have to go shopping before I can 100% cut... going to do that this weekend). Terrible, terrible cramps and pains even on the days when I ate no wheat. Alternating constipation and explosive diarrhea. Nausea and headaches and grumpy. As a result: I exercised less, and only at home.

But, after weeks of the scale not budging past 170/169, I now weigh 167.2. Huh??! Did I lose two and a half to three pounds of uterus? Anyways. I am pleased. I guess the cycle really does effect weight loss. I really hope that I feel better this weekend. Hoping the weightloss sticks!

Cleaning Out the Fridge: My New Grocery List

I am still in a lot of pain. I had to use vicodin today, which I thought I was done with. However, I also want to be done with days of feeling agonizing pains.

I think the best thing I can do is once again focus on the food I am putting into my body. I am going to clean out my fridge tomorrow and buy new foods. Gluten free foods. Sugar free foods. Healthy, simple foods.

Meanwhile, as I have known for a while, I think being mostly vegetarian is hurting me. I am just not getting enough protein. I firmly believe that vegetarianism and even veganism is a great plan for most people. But because I can eat neither soy/tofu NOR beans and lentils, it is more challenging for me.

I agreed with Derek that now that i have some income, it is fair for me to take on grocery shopping. Derek can obviously supplement my list with things he wants and needs, but I will enjoy doing the bulk of the shopping, cooking, and food planning in this house :)

ELIZABETH BEIER'S CLEAN, DELICIOUS AND SIMPLE GROCERY LIST:
(I will need to focus on the in season options, but the list is comprehensive)

1. VEGGIES.
--> Lots of baby spinach, to eat EVERY day.
--> Kale
--> Broccoli (I will check actually, I may have frozen broccoli now)
--> Sweet Potatoes
--> Corn
--> Bell Peppers
--> Mushrooms
--> Beets
--> Carrots (fresh - the ones in the fridge now are old)
--> Asparagus (got to learn how to cook that!)
--> Artichokes
--> Scallions
--> Leeks
--> Cucumbers
--> Green Beans
--> Squash
--> Red Onion
--> Celery
--> Garlic
--> Pomegranates

2. FRUITS.
--> Gala or Figi apples
--> Pears
--> Apricots (if can find them)
--> Strawberries
--> Blueberries
--> Plums
--> Avocado

3. NON-GLUTEN GRAINS.
--> Brown Rice
--> Quinoa
--> Brown rice/quinoa based pastas
--> Irish Oatmeal

4. Proteins
--> Eggs
--> Shrimp
--> Chicken Breast (this makes me sad, but it will be good for my health)
--> Salmon
--> Almond Milk

5. OTHERS
--> Unsalted almonds, cashews, and peanuts (other nuts off limits bc of IC)
--> Guacamole
--> Hummus
--> Non-Stick Cooking Spray
--> Extra Virgin Olive Oil
--> Sugar Substitute (like Agave nectar)
--> Chia Seeds
--> Cheese: ONLY high quality, low fat cheddar
--> Nutritional Yeast

6. SUPPLEMENTS
--> Omega 3
--> Passionflower

I already have a lot of spices. I think between the spices and these ingredients, I will be healthier and happier and in less pain!

I am also considering hiring a personal trainer for a few days to help me correct my form during strength training. I think some of my aches and pains each day might be from doing those exercises incorrectly...

Between these healthy steps, I am on my way to completing my one year health makeover in a strong fashion! I started at around July 18. Obviously this won't journey won't stop there. But, I would like to be at my goal weight at that point. Then I will start my own "Phase Two" just like Aunt Roberta :)

3/16/13

Today is that time of the month and I am only telling you because it means I am in LOTS of pain. My  various pain situations get much worse when this happens. I cleaned my gym clothes in anticipation of getting back to the weight machines today, but that doesn't seem prudent. I will do a modified resistance routine here with Derek, and take breaks if I need to. The same muscles will still be worked.

I am still having trouble with food. When I see other people eating delicious things, I also want to enjoy them. I was inspired by Aunt Roberta's blog today. I am thinking about what will be my own system. So far, this is what I think:

- No refined grains.
- If I am going to have sweets: Not too many or too often, and I have to make them myself.

... I have to lie down again... hope to feel better tomorrow!

Love,

Elizabeth

This Past Week

Hi!

So, I did not blog while I was in CA. That was probably a silly move. I had a great time at my parent's beautiful new home! I painted the cover of her gazibo in the back yard, brought her a pretty new scarf, and babysat Thomas for Mom's birthday.

While I was home, I did well on my diet for some meals and snacks... but not on others. The first thing I did was cook a beautiful healthy veggie and avocado salad for me and Dad. I also made some healthy lunches for me and Mom. However, there was so much in the house that was not on my diet... like bowls of jelly beans which were an Easter decoration. It was hard not to eat them EVERY time I passed by them. So, I picked up some unhealthy snacks. I think my self control around food might go down when I am on a diet... but on the other hand, before, I wasn't even trying to avoid the junk. If I hadn't been trying to restrain myself, I would have overeaten WAY more. When I go home, it feels very comforting and familiar to gobble down the available food there whenever I want.

I did exercise a lot. The weather was very beautiful! I went for long walks outside every day except Friday, getting up to seven and eight miles. During some of this time my stomach did cramp up, but I was able to push through it because my surroundings were so nice.

I was concerned because of my imprudent snacking that I would have gained three or four pounds this week. However, I am still between 169 and 170. The day before I left, I was at 169.8, and now I am 170.4. So, no need to wring my hands.

I do need to get over this lull. I have been within these two pounds for the past three weeks... and I know why. It's because although I am keeping up with the exercise, I am allowing myself too many food treats. Gotta cut that back down to once a week at the most. I know this... I know that letting oneself indulge in more and more treats is the way a diet dies. So, discipline.

In good news... I have a JOB :D Uncle George is having me do some paid work for his mortgage company. He says I can choose my own hours so I can continue to look for a job closer to home, go to the gym, and do some art. So, that's exciting. I was happy today to have work to do when I got up.

Lots of love,

Elizabeth

Going to CA for the week

Hi!

Still in the 169 pound range. That's okay. I am chill.

This week, I am going to California to see my mom. My goal is to lose about a pound this week, or at least not gain weight. I think I can do this if I

1. Continue daily calorie tracking
2. Exercise daily
3. Avoid binge eating
4. Drink plenty of water

I am looking forward to seeing my family! That's about all I have to report today. I hope my family can see visibly how different I look. I think they will... I was about twenty three pounds heavier last time I saw them.

Love,
Elizabeth

3/5/13

Hello!

So far, my chart is working out. I have been working out a lot, even when my intestines hurt. One day I was feeling too sick to go to the gym, but I still exercised at home.

Since Thursday, my weight has been going back and forth from 169 and 170. I just want to be steadily in the 160s! I know it is gonna happen if I stay on track. I am also going home on Thursday and staying there for a week, which could be a pitfall. I could rock myself back up into the 170s for a while if I binge eat at home for a week. I shall NOT! I will continue to count calories and exercise daily.

I am feeling good about how i look in the mirror. My skin and eyes and hair all look brighter, cleaner and healthier. I don't need to suck in my stomach every time I look in the mirror any more :) Also I can tell that my legs and arms have some muscle on them, and as I lose the last twenty pounds of fat those muscles will grow and show more.

I have been making Derek some batches of oatmeal cookies recently, because he likes to have sweets in the house. We used to get the Tollhouse sugar cookies that are caked with half an inch of bright icing and sprinkles. I figured, my cookies with raw sugar instead of processed, whole flour instead of refined, with raisins and oatmeal are better for both of us! That kind of cookie would be okay if I had a limit of one per day. However this week I perked up the treat with some butterscotch and it is WAAAAAY to delicious. It's hard to only eat one per day and I think that's why my weight is stuck. However, they are almost gone - Derek loves them and is eating them all. Next time, I will go back to a healthier version of the treat.

Sometimes I talk to Derek about his food choices, but I don't want to seem "holier than though". He has a metabolism such that he can eat ANYTHING and not gain weight; he is probably five percent fat, at most. Still, it's probably bad for his health if he eats too much sugar and sodium. I make healthy dinners and meals and he gets his own sweets to put on the side. In his family, his dad used to have a similar metabolism but it slowed down eventually. His dad has been dieting recently though and has slimmed down a lot since we met last year. (Just like me!)

Elizabeth

My Very Own Chart!

Hey! I am back to weighing myself. I am now in the 160s!! I69.2 to be exact. Hip hip horray! Haven't been in the 160s since a diet I went on in high school.

The chart will also help motivate me to exercise (later today: elliptical. yesterday: weight training. tomorrow: treadmill and upper body strength split). I will circle the days of the week that I exercise so I have the big picture of how much I am really exercising, and how exercising effects my weightloss. Then on the right, space for note taking.

The decision to get to 148 rather than 150 was made on the following criteria:

1. My MAXIMUM weight that is a healthy BMI is 158. 148 is that minus ten, so if I go through some crisis like surgery and gained some weight, I would have room. (I don't intend to let my weight drift up ten pounds after this lifestyle change, but I know emergencies happen).

2. When I get to 148 I will have lost about 30% of my total weight, which is cool.

3. I will try to stay within the 145 - 150 range.

I am hoping to come home to CA around July 4, because Derek said that is a time when he can take some time off. I want to have a CA visit with him, since he can't come on the trip I am about to go on. The plan calls for me to lose roughly five pounds per month, which is right on track with my average.

Still working on the walking uphill thing. For some reason the treadmill or walking up real hills feels much, much harder than the elliptical still. Going to try again today. I will start slower so I can stay on for a longer time, and then work up.

Have a nice day!

2/27/13

Getting back on track.

I went back to the gym yesterday for some cardio and actually went OVER an hour because I was feeling so good. Today I was feeling really sick (again!), because of my irritable bowel syndrome. I did not go to the gym because the symptoms could have caused... well, best not to go into deal. I did however get some exercise in here at the apartment, which is better than nothing :)

I am going to go back to weighing myself starting March 1. Both this time and the other time I thought I should stop weighing myself, my motivation to go to the gym slipped. I don't know if this is "healthy" and I need to get to a place where I want to work out every day for fun and for my own good. Seems like I'm not quite there yet.

I am really looking forward to Spring and exercising outside! I am going to CA for my Mom's birthday which is exciting. Also, there is a walking trail there that I was not able to complete last time because of my physical pain. I am hoping to try it this time, so I am going to warm up with some uphill walking on the treadmill this week.

Love,

Elizabeth

Sort of Off Track

Hi again.

So... I screwed up my back on Friday. Aunt Ruth kindly replied to my text and suggested that I do some light cardio to help fix it, such as elliptical or biking. As of Monday at 10:40 PM, I have done this... only once. I felt good while I was exercising yesterday, but afterwards and this morning I hurt more. Also I am feeling crankier... having pains can do that. So, that's my 'fession.

However, I DID have a solid day of applying for jobs. Mondays are great for that! So many new posts. I finally heard back from Equality California... they just said, "we have your application and are reviewing it." Great... but, I applied to three new places, all of them exciting. Then I tried to distract myself from checking my email too many times, which is when I SHOULD have gone to the gym.. but, alas, no.

Gym tomorrow and for the rest of the week. No excuses. I am inspired by Aunt Roberta's latest blog about how she doesn't even question exercising every day. I enjoy my gym time quite a bit these days, so I don't often question going either, but when I do question, sometimes I choose laziness. Need to get over that.

I made a healthy version of oatmeal cookies that doesn't irritate my delicate system... so that was a win :) Derek likes them too. They are good, but not SO good that I am tempted to inhale them all at once :)

2/22/13 - SIZE TEN JEANS!

Hi! Yesterday I spontaneously decided to walk down to Target as part of my work out (it's only about two miles away, so I also did some lower body weights at the gym when I got back). While I was there, I tried on a size 10 jean - and it FIT! For the first time since I was fifteen or sixteen, the tens zipped up and buttoned. Now, I didn't get them because I need a job to spend money on things that aren't survival-needs... and they weren't exactly COMFY... but it was still sort of a trophie to put them on and dance around in the dressing room.

Applied to more jobs yesterday, going to be at it again today. It is still a discouraging process because I get so few responses. I got a weird phone interview where it LOOKED like I got a job, only to be told that they couldn't actually *pay* me for my work for a while. Gaaah! No, I will not work for free... I can do that on my own time and my own projects :(

I had a brief chat online with a man I used to work with at Equality California, just to give him a heads up that my application is on his way. He responded enthusiastically, rather than just saying, "Communications Director? That's WAY out of your skill zone!". ... that's a plus? The application deadline for that position was March 1, so maybe they are still gathering their applications before they decide who to write back to. Fingers crossed.

I realized something sort of scary yesterday. Which is: March is soon, and then comes April, and then May. I moved here to Derek's apartment in May 20, 2012. Since then, I had a job/paid internship for a few months which I had to give up when I became sick. I also got a job which I had to quit after a few days because I thought their practices were unethical. If I don't get another job by May... well, that's not much to show for the year. Yikes. Time really flies... I think I probably will get a job by May, but if for some reason I don't, I might have to start making some real changes. I don't know what that would look like, but I don't want to exist off of Derek's charity for more than a year. No, sir.

I have made SOME great changes this year: namely, to my health. Losing forty pounds is a big deal to me, and going to the gym consistently for eight months is a new thing! I have never been active for that long in a row. I have a network of doctors here since I was sick. I know which healthy foods I love and which unhealthy foods are the worst for me. I know that my adult life and responsibilities should and must include a job, and I am working towards that. But taking charge of my health this year is definitely a step that will lead to a happier adult life.

2/20/13

Hi!

Yesterday was a good, productive day. I spent most of the day finishing my application to work as a Communications Director at Equality California. I would have to work on persuading Derek to live with me in CA if I did get it... but I would like that :P I like California the best!

The job will probably not wind up being mine, because it is a director position. What I tried to emphasize in my cover letter were two things: I have a LOT of experience working with EQCA in a lot of different parts of the organization, and I am proven to be innovative and start new things on my own initiative. I described both and made the case that they should hire me instead of someone more experience because I have higher QUALITY experience. We will see if that works. I also wrote, and my mom helped edit, three new writing samples (the EQCA application asked for three), salary requirements, references, etc. It was the longest application I have had to do, and now I'm waiting to see if they respond! Fingers crossed! Trying not to check my email every hour :) Keeping in mind it was always a long shot.

So: the schedule is helping. Pre-schedule, I am afraid I was getting raaaaather laaaazy. And thus I was depressed. Lazy Elizabeth --> Depressed Elizabeth, and then it's a downward spiral because depressed Elizabeth --> lazy Elizabeth. The internet can be such a time sink!

I also (finally!) made my way back to the gym. For a while I was legitimately not supposed to go because I had a nasty cold, and then after that came the part where I had stabbing pains in my tummy again. I probably should have gone the day before yesterday, but I didn't for some reason. Yesterday I did! It felt great to be back and I felt strong and thinner than ever. I did an hour on the elliptical, trying reverse mode for the first time. I took a picture to put in my months chart, although I am still not weighing myself.

If I had to guess, I would guess that between the Valentines Day feasting and the six day long gym hiatus, I have probably put on a few pounds. I think I expected that at the very beginning of the not-weighing-self thing... I have slightly less motivation. At first. But that was part of the point and part of the plan: I need to find the way to have motivation without constant weight loss. Because sometime within the next year, I will get to the weight that is healthy for me (yaaay!!!) and need to stop losing weight. if I don't figure out how to stay motivated to keep up my health habits now, I am afraid I will not know what to do at that point. Back to the gym I go today!

I have been doing well at reintroducing more fruits and veggeis. There is a baby spinach recall in MD right now (perfect, right? that's my healthiest green...) But I have kale, broccoli, pears, apples, celery, bell peppers, onions and carrots in the fridge right now. I choose amongst these each day more than once. I also have various packs of frozen veggies for when I need a serving FAST.

A question: How do you feel about cheese? Through trial and error I discovered that most cheese upsets my IBS, but fresh shredded sharp cheddar cheese, with less fat and preservatives, does not. And - I REALLY like it. I like it on rice&beans, eggs, pasta, everything. I do limit myself to absolutely no more than once per day, but I still think that might be too much cheese. How do you consider cheese? Is it a "junk food" or an acceptable source of calcium and protein?

Thanks everyone for reading!

2/18/2013

So far: the schedule is working!

Ducking in to say I have been much more productive today than in the past week. I am doing lots of writing for job applications, sending off two applications with letters tailored to each specific one, and laundry. Also my eating has been healthy today and I am definitely going to the gym this evening because I am feeling better. Now, back to work! Feeling groovy!

Have a great day.

2/15/13: A New Chapter (an important one)

Hello All,

You know when you realize it's time to change again? I am having one of those moments now. It's not as dramatic of a change as my decision to start my diet in July, or to move to Maryland with Derek... I just need to make some adjustments.

As you may know, I was hell-bent on losing 40 pounds by Valentines day and being 170 pounds. I wound up at about 171.5 pounds, which seemed close enough to celebrate. I got very dressed up and went out to eat at a fancy restaurant. I started out by ordering healthy food... but it went downhill from there. The food was so rich and delicious and abundant that I felt a primal compulsion to keep eating and eating and eating! I am going to lay the scale to rest for a while, but I feel I may have undone some of the progress I worked so hard for - temporarily.

Another setback: My job search. So far, I have only gotten one interview ... which I thought went GREAT! I was so excited about the job and I felt that I performed well. They told me it might be a while before they got around to second interviews for candidates, because the woman who would be performing them works out of state most of the time. So, as I continued to apply for jobs, I held out in hope that I would get that amazing job.... but I didn't, I just found out today by calling the office and asking directly.

So: I am going to make some changes, both to my diet approach and the way I live my life.

1. Eat MORE food. I have recently stepped up my exercise to the point where I am burning over 600 calories per cardio session, which feels great. I also go to the gym almost every day unless I am sick. However, this past month I did not adjust my food intake to meet that reality, and as a result I was starving. I was so focused on not going over my calorie budget that some days I fell asleep while significantly under it. I woke up from dreams about pasta feeling ravenous. I justified this with my desire to lose forty pounds. Well, I didn't quite make it there and then I self-sabotaged when I overate on V day. So: I need to focus on SUSTAINABILITY. Eating enough to keep my body healthy and happy, not feeling like I am going through a famine.

2. Eat MORE fruits, veggies, and protein. I was doing better about this earlier in my diet, but now looking back at my food diaries, I see lots and lots of carbs. They are mostly good carbs like brown rice, but brown rice alone does not a healthy diet make. I need to focus especially on re-inserting green veggies to my diet every single day.

3. Spend MORE time working! Yes, you were right, I need an established structure. I truly do. Realizing that I did not get the job I interviewed with, and am back at square one, really hit hard. So, my days from this next week on:

7-8:30 - Get up at the same time as Derek and get ready to have the day. This includes healthy meal prep, showering, finding workout clothes, deciding what to work on, and eating breakfast.

9:00 - 1:00 - First working session. May work on getting a job (preferably) or art work, but may not doddle.

1:00 - 2:00 - Lunch and food prep for dinner

2:00 - 3:40 - Go to the Gym (That extra forty minutes around exercising is for walking to and from the gym).

3:45 - 6:30 - Second working session. Either swap with first session or continue job search. (I do want to work some art into my days... but I need, need NEED a job soon. So for now I want to make searching for work my job!)

6:30 on: prepare dinner, tie up loose ends, relax with Derek.

I realize this is not a very ambitious schedule. It has fewer working hours than a full time job. I will adjust it upwards if I need to. Sadly, it is still more work than I have been doing of late. When I successfully follow through with this next week, I will be increasing my productivity a lot!

4. Weigh myself LESS often. Specifically: I want to give up weighing myself for lent :) I have eliminated the most dangerous excess weight from my frame - in fact, even if I put on two pounds yesterday (which seems unlikely), I am still thinner than I have been since high school. (pats self on back). So, I want to focus on continuing to kick butt in the gym and really forming a sustainable diet. My weight loss phase isn't over, but I want to underscore to myself that this is not a "diet" in the vernacular sense - it is a lifestyle change. It is something I am doing for myself for the long term, not just a short-term race for a lower number on that scale. Then on April 1, I will weigh myself and hopefully be pleasantly surprised! But part of this challenge: I will not set and obsess over a certain number I want to see on April 1. Rather, I will set the goal to continue losing weight and getting healthier, which I KNOW I can attain.

--------

Today and this weekend, I am going to work on having better writing samples. Although I write well, I don't really have many samples that are an appropriate length and both generic enough to apply to many jobs and specific enough to be interesting. I am also going to go through my cover letters and make some templates that are engaging. It will be a writing-prep couple of days!

Thank you for reading. This is an important blog for me, and these changes will really help. Hopefully soon I will need to make some more dramatic changes because I will HAVE A JOB, and I will need to work continuing my healthy habits around that ;)

Valentines Day

To be blunt: I ate an absurd amount of food tonight. I started out well by ordering a healthy dinner, but it was not enough to fill me up and so I kept going. I feel sick now and I know exactly why! Silly, silly self.

Well, back on the wagon tomorrow. I haven't had a bad splurge like this in months. I think I will try to get some sleep, eat healthy tomorrow, drink lots of water and exercise.

I was 171.8 this morning... probably more tomorrow morning :(

I had a very fun evening with Derek though! Very romantic!

Feb 11, 2013

Hi there,

I have been sick lately. I have either a very bad cold or a light flu. I was going to the gym through it at first, took a few days off for the worst of it, and was back in the gym today. I feel proud of myself for taking off only three days, when I would probably have taken off a week before and maybe even more. I think I am healing from this illness faster this time than I would have previously, because I am thinner and stronger.

Here are some before and during pictures:

2/7/2013

Hello,

I have been feeling sick recently because of my period... it makes the interstitial cystitis worse. I still haven't heard back from the job I interviewed for. I sent them an email asking what their timeline for making a decision was. (This sounded more mature to me than just writing to beg for the job)!

Even though I haven't been feeling well, I have been knocking my workouts out in the gym. I feel great about that! I have been waiting for Derek to come home and take me so that if the pain did increase, he could pick me up. I am getting better at recognizing the difference between pain that is from exercise, vs the pain that is from sickness. When it feels like my organs are all being dragged downwards to my pelvic floor, this is bad and a time when I might need to step away from the machine and take a break. Same if I feel random or constant stabs of pain right under my ribcage. But I can and will work through the normal pain and soreness of exercise!

I have been staying well within my calories... in fact now that I have kicked up my exercise, I think I may be eating too FEW calories. I will continue to count and see, but I don't like to wake up famished early in the morning.

That's my update.. I'm about 174 pounds now. Looks like I will just BARELY miss the 170 by Valentine's Day mark, but it's okay. The only reason it made me sad is that I was also 174 before my period, and then it looked like I was going to make it. But then I looked at my before and current pictures, and realized that I have obviously been doing great. I think the goal helped me stay focused and get into the exercise groove that i am in now.

I did it!!

Albiet a day late...

So, I finally compiled my bills, added them up, and sent them to Mom. She has kindly agreed to take care of the bills from my current medical emergency, but for some reason they just stacked up on the floor untouched... I was so scared of them! Once I did them, as Aunt Roberta said, it was not so bad. I think I will read "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" :)

Point taken about the squats pain... I can exercise anyways, and have been doing so! I have exercised every day since my past blog. I am really enjoying the elliptical these days.

I had a proper "runners high" the day before yesterday... the kind that includes numbness of the extremities, ability to go SUPER fast, and a hospital-morphine-injection like state of euphoria. Ding ding ding! I have another reason to head to the gym :D Have any of my readers experienced this? I am slightly concerned about the safety of having these highs on a machine, as opposed to outside... but like I said, it encourages me to go to the gym and work harder if I think they may happen :)

I made a delicious butternut squash soup today... yummy!

Still haven't heard from the job I was interviewed at... meanwhile, I am shooting off more and more applications. I will update you when I hear ANYTHING! I am looking forward to being a real adult!

Also: Derek bought me my own scale. On Saturday morning, it read 176.6... so that's about a pound and a half more than I thought I weighed. At first I was feeling bummed out, but then again - it's that time of the month, and I know what to do to lose weight. I have decided to keep my home scale in a cabinet and weigh myself every Friday (if I can't stand waiting that long, every Friday and Tuesday).

Love,

Elizabeth

Catching Up

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't updated in the last few days.

My interview was really, really amazing... I want the job more than I have ever wanted a job. I hate this period of waiting to see if I get second-rounded... I sent my thank-you letter, and now I feel like there's not much I can do but wait. The interviewers kept me for over an hour asking about my experience and skills, so that seems like a good sign - they were interested in me. Now I've got to keep going, whether that particular company hires me or not.

I missed the gym the ONE day that I was at the interview, although there was lots of running around DC done that day... I was not a couch potato. My legs were extremely sore for three whole days after I learned the squats, so when I went back to the gym, I was trying to stretch them out really well and do some lighter cardio. Yesterday I was able to do my full hour of cardio again, so that's good. Today I will mix up some cardio with some upper body strength.

The scale at the gym is FUBAR! I texted Ruth about this. It jumps allllll over the place! For instance if I get on it, step off, reset it and step on again, it will give me a two pound or so difference. Derek said he will get me a new scale tonight, so that is good news. I am afraid I will be heavier than I thought... but if so, I know what to do to work through the weight again.

I've been feeling kind of crumby not knowing how much I weighed... I think I invested too much interest in the number on the scale, instead of being proud of how much work I was doing. (Sound familiar? Who HASN'T done that at some point?) I'll get a real number tomorrow morning and keep going forward from there.

I have been going to and from the gym in some VERY inclement weather, including rain and snow. The rain was a mistake - it started pouring while I was walking back home, out of the blue! My gym shoes got SOAKED! Good thing I wasn't wearing my pea coat or it would have been history :(

Also tonight: bills. Last time I looked at the medical bills, I managed to assemble them all in one pile and look at them... and then I freaked out and put them away. Mom said she would actually help me pay the medical bills, so I don't know why I find it so scary to type them in and add them up. But I do. This weekend: NO EXCUSES, I need to get that taken care of so it's off my mind.